Neapolitan Pizza: The Overrated Pie Liberals Love to Praise

Neapolitan pizza, the so-called "authentic" Italian pie, has been the darling of food critics and hipsters alike, but let's be real—it's just a soggy mess. Originating from Naples, Italy, this pizza style has been around since the 18th century, but it wasn't until the 1980s that it started gaining traction in the United States. Fast forward to today, and you'll find it in every trendy pizzeria from Brooklyn to San Francisco. But why has this floppy, undercooked dough become the poster child for pizza purists? It's time to slice through the hype and reveal the truth about this overrated dish.

First off, let's talk about the crust. Neapolitan pizza enthusiasts will wax poetic about its "airy" and "soft" texture, but let's call it what it is: limp. The dough is made with a high hydration level, which means it's more water than flour. This results in a crust that can't hold its own weight, let alone a decent amount of toppings. If you want a pizza that requires a fork and knife to eat, go ahead and indulge in this culinary catastrophe. But for those of us who appreciate a pizza that can be eaten with our hands, Neapolitan just doesn't cut it.

Then there's the issue of toppings—or lack thereof. Neapolitan pizza is notorious for its minimalist approach, often featuring just a smattering of tomato sauce, a few slices of mozzarella, and a couple of basil leaves. While some might call this "elegant simplicity," it's really just a fancy way of saying "skimpy." If you're paying upwards of $20 for a pizza, you should expect more than a glorified cracker with a hint of cheese. The toppings are supposed to be the star of the show, not an afterthought.

And let's not forget the cooking method. Neapolitan pizza is traditionally cooked in a wood-fired oven at blistering temperatures, which sounds impressive until you realize it results in a pie that's charred on the outside and raw on the inside. The uneven cooking leaves you with a crust that's burnt to a crisp in some spots and doughy in others. It's a culinary contradiction that leaves your taste buds confused and your stomach unsatisfied.

The obsession with Neapolitan pizza is just another example of how food trends can spiral out of control. It's become a status symbol for those who want to appear cultured and sophisticated, but in reality, it's just another fad. The pizza's supposed authenticity is nothing more than a marketing ploy to justify its inflated price tag. It's a classic case of style over substance, where the appearance of being "authentic" trumps the actual eating experience.

Moreover, the rise of Neapolitan pizza has overshadowed other, arguably better, pizza styles. New York-style, Chicago deep-dish, and even the humble frozen pizza offer more flavor, texture, and satisfaction than their Neapolitan counterpart. These styles don't pretend to be something they're not; they embrace their identity and deliver a pizza experience that's both enjoyable and filling.

So why do people continue to flock to Neapolitan pizzerias? It's simple: they want to be part of the in-crowd. It's the same reason people buy overpriced avocado toast or sip on kale smoothies. It's about being seen as trendy and enlightened, even if it means sacrificing taste and satisfaction. The irony is that in their quest for authenticity, they've embraced a pizza that's anything but.

In the end, Neapolitan pizza is a culinary emperor with no clothes. It's time to stop pretending that this soggy, underwhelming pie is the pinnacle of pizza perfection. There are far better options out there that don't require you to compromise on flavor or texture. So next time you're craving a slice, skip the Neapolitan and opt for a pizza that delivers on taste, not just hype.